GROOMING & EXPLOITATION
GROOMING
WHAT DOES IT ACTUALLY MEAN?
Grooming is a process of getting someone ready to do whatever is asked of them by their abuser. It means working to build an emotional connection, complete trust and reliance, often isolating the victim completely from their support network – friends, family etc.
Once a person has been groomed, they can then be led into a number of situations they may not otherwise enter – such as sexual exploitation, criminal exploitation, extremism or financial exploitation.
What does it feel like to be groomed?
If someone is being groomed, it won’t feel scary and wrong, it will feel exciting and special. Grooming is a process of building trust so that a person will often feel loved and understood. They will think they have control, that they are getting what they want and that they have changed or grown up to fit in with new friends.
Generally, they will feel happy and confident throughout this period, looking forward to new opportunities and potentially experiencing new things for the first time (such as parties, drinking and drugs), not realising they are in any danger.
SEXUAL EXPLOITATION
WHAT DOES IT ACTUALLY MEAN?
A person will find themselves being asked or forced to do sexual things with their partner, or someone else, that they don’t want or are too young to do. They will often be told that there is no other option, that they owe someone.
This could be because they have been given gifts, affection, a place to stay or because they think their partner is in trouble and that this is a way they can help them.
What does it feel like to be sexually exploited?
Exploitation feels completely different to grooming but is only possible once someone has been groomed to a point where they are almost dependent on their abuser. They will often feel like it is normal, that it is just how a relationship works, they are in love and no-one else matters, being manipulated into believing that it is OK.
Often they will feel like they owe their abuser, that there is no going back and sometimes that they deserve it. No one deserves to be exploited. When it comes to walking away a victim will feel threatened, scared, trapped and humiliated. They might be pressured to get their friends involved and often feel that no one will believe them.
WHAT ARE THE SIGNS MY FRIEND IS BEING SEXUALLY EXPLOITED?
- Going missing for periods of time or regularly returning home late,
- Skipping school or being disruptive in class,
- Having new things or gifts that you don’t understand how they got,
- Regularly getting sexually transmitted infections (STI’s),
- Being worried about becoming pregnant, falling pregnant or having abortions (and/or the morning after pill),
- Having mood swings and changes in behaviour,
- Using drugs and/or alcohol and being hungover on a regular basis,
- Behaving in a sexual way, such as over-familiarity with strangers, dressing in revealing clothes or sexting and sending nude photos,
- Using sex in exchange for something,
- Signs of unexplained physical harm, such as bruising and cigarette burns,
- Having new friends or partners (who might be a lot older) and ignoring older friends,
- Secrecy around phone and activities.
Some of these can just be signs of growing up, we all change as we grow up. However, if you spot several of these in your friend it might be worth speaking to them or a trusted adult about the situation. Check out the Who Can Help? section for more information!
CRIMINAL EXPLOITATION
WHAT DOES IT ACTUALLY MEAN?
“When someone you trusted makes you commit crimes for their benefit.” D, aged 12
It is when a young person finds themselves being asked, or forced, to do criminal things for someone else. Whilst initially they may feel part of a group or even a family, over time they will be told that there is no other option, that they owe someone, owe money or should do things out of loyalty.
Criminal exploitation can involve a young person moving drugs, sometimes hidden in their body, around their local area or sometimes travelling across the country. The exploited person can be made to sell drugs, transport weapons or carry out other criminal activities, such as assaulting people and stealing.
It’s a complicated issue because although what a young person is doing can sometimes be a criminal behaviour if they are being manipulated and controlled they are actually a victim of crime themselves.
What does it feel like to be Criminally Exploited?
Victims are groomed, sometimes by being given money, attention, status, gifts and promises of a better life. The might feel part of a group or a family so are often willing to help.
Victims often don’t feel that they are risk and it is not until it is too late or heavily involved that they realise just how bad things are for them.
Victims might find themselves doing things that they know are wrong, dangerous or uncomfortable, such as lots of travelling or hiding drugs inside their body.
One tactic some groups use to rob the young people carrying larger sums of money or drugs and then claiming that it was their fault so they have to repay the debt; meaning that they are trapped in a situation where they have to work for no money against their wishes.
Victims might feel like they owe their ‘family’ and that there is no going back. They might feel or be told that they’ll be hurt or worse if they leave. They may be forced to stay with threats made against their family if they try to leave. They will feel trapped, scared and probably angry. They might be pressured to get their friends involved and often feel that no one will believe them or that people will judge them and just see them as criminals.
No one deserves to be exploited.
WHAT ARE THE SIGNS MY FRIEND IS BEING CRIMINALLY EXPLOITED?
- Going missing for periods of time or regularly returning home late,
- Skipping school or being disruptive in class,
- Having new things that you don’t understand how they got,
- Having lots of money all of a sudden,
- Having mood swings and changes in behaviour,
- Using drugs and/or alcohol and often being hungover,
- Carrying a weapon,
- Signs of unexplained physical harm, such as bruising and cigarette burns,
- Having new friends or partners (who might be a lot older) and ignoring old friends,
- Secrecy around their phone and potentially a new phone,
- Being shady about what they are up to, or alternatively boasting about a new gang, money or experiences.
- Some of these can just be signs of growing up. However, if you spot several of these in your friend it might be worth speaking to them or a trusted adult about the situation. This can be tricky, though a good friend tries to help a friend out of a bad situation. Check out the Who Can Help? section for more information!
STAYING SAFE
Barnardo’s ‘Real Love Rocks‘ programme includes some ‘Keep Safe’ tips. They have kindly let us recreate them here:
- Stick with mates a similar age to you but be aware of peer on peer abuse.
- A good mate won’t ask you to do stuff you’re uncomfortable with, so if you feel you can’t say no to someone, ask yourself: ‘Am I in a safe situation?’
- If someone offers you something for free, ask if they’d want something in return.
- Listen to your body – a fast, pounding heartbeat and churning stomach are signs you feel unsafe, nervous or uncomfortable.
- Be careful what personal details – including photos – you give out online, by phone, or in real life.
- Make sure you know where you are going and how to get home. Have credit and charge on your phone.
- Make sure someone you trust always knows where you are, you could use the Snapmap or Apple’s Find Friends app.
- Be responsible if you are drinking and/or taking drugs as they can make you unaware of unsafe situations.
How you can protect yourself and your friends from exploitation:
- The best way to stop exploitation is to not let the grooming process start.
- Be wary of new friends both online and in person. Abusers can be male or female, they can be the same age or older, from any background.
- Don’t stop talking to friends and family – isolating a potential victim is key to a groomers success don’t let it happen. Make sure no matter what your friends know you are there for them.
- Don’t give people things they can use against you. Sexting or sending a naked selfie might not seem like a big deal, but if it’s something you wouldn’t want your whole class to see don’t hit send! If you feel awkward saying no try using Zipit.
- If someone asks you to look after something, deliver a package or sell something, be suspicious, once you’ve done that first one they will have something on you.
- If something seems to good to be true, it probably is – think twice.
